5 Life Lessons Every Man Should Learn (What I Learned at 40 but Wish I Knew at 30)
Aug 22, 2024
Introduction: Life comes at you fast—blindingly fast, in fact. One day, you’re in your 20s, full of energy and ambitions, and before you know it, you’re staring down 40, wondering where the time went. Along this journey, life throws countless experiences your way, some valuable, others distracting. At 40, I’ve finally started to see the patterns, and there are five core virtues I wish I had grasped a decade earlier. These are lessons that have shaped who I am today, and if I had known them at 30, I believe I would have found fulfillment and balance much sooner.
1. Community: The Lifeline You Didn’t Know You Needed
When my first child was born, I felt a loneliness I had never expected. Sure, I had my family, but something was missing. Adding two more kids into the mix didn’t help—if anything, it made things worse. I found myself living on autopilot: mornings were a blur, work felt like a grind, evenings were consumed by the kids, and by the time dinner was done, all I could manage was to scroll through my phone before collapsing into bed. My relationship with myself had become a mere shadow of its former self.
Then, I discovered the power of community. It started with finding just one friend who shared my values and pushed me to be better. That one friend turned into a group, and before long, we had a tribe. We created a text stream to keep in touch daily, committed to visiting each other once a month, and started hosting biweekly whisky and cigar nights. These nights weren’t just about relaxing; they were about bonding over our shared goals of being better husbands, fathers, and providers.
Being part of a community transformed my life. It gave me a support system, a place to vent, to learn, and to grow. If you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, I encourage you to seek out a community that shares your values. You don’t need a hundred friends—just find a few good men who will stand by you through thick and thin.
2. Relationships: Invest Early and Often
If there’s one thing that stands above all else, it’s the importance of your relationship with your wife. This relationship is the cornerstone of everything you build together—your family, your home, your future. Looking back, I wish I had understood this sooner. We waited to have kids. We traveled, focused on our careers, and enjoyed the freedom of being a young couple. While those experiences were valuable, I now regret not starting our family earlier.
There’s something profoundly fulfilling about having kids. They bring chaos and exhaustion, yes, but also an indescribable joy. If you’re on the fence about when to start a family, my advice is to dive in. The challenges are real, but so are the rewards.
Investing in your relationship doesn’t stop at having kids. It’s about daily acts of love, support, and understanding. Make time for your wife, prioritize her needs, and work on your relationship as much as you work on anything else in your life. A strong relationship with your wife will be the foundation that supports everything else you do.
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3. Leadership and Mindset: Advocate for Yourself and Aim Higher
One of the most crucial lessons I’ve learned is that you don’t have to settle for the job or life you’re currently living. My dad spent years at AT&T, and like him, I found myself in a stable but unfulfilling career. Financially, I was better off, but something was missing. I realized that fulfillment doesn’t come from a paycheck alone; it comes from doing work that resonates with you on a deeper level.
This realization led me to where I am today—pursuing my passion and sharing my knowledge with others. If you have a skillset, don’t keep it to yourself. Share it with the world. Whether it’s through your job, a side hustle, or volunteering, find a way to make an impact.
Leadership isn’t just about managing others; it’s about taking charge of your own life. Advocate for yourself, push for opportunities that align with your passions, and never stop looking for ways to grow. A strong mindset, coupled with a willingness to step out of your comfort zone, will open doors you never thought possible.
4. Health: The Foundation of Everything
When it comes to health, there are no shortcuts. I learned this the hard way. By 2020, I was what you might call “skinny fat”—not overweight, but certainly not in shape. I knew I had to make a change, so I committed to working out for just 20 minutes, three days a week. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
Over time, those 20-minute sessions became a cornerstone of my routine. I started to feel stronger, more energetic, and more confident. Fitness doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming; it just has to be consistent.
But health isn’t just about exercise. It’s about what you eat, too. I began paying more attention to my diet—eating well, eating less, and cooking more of my own meals. What you put into your body has a direct impact on how you feel and perform.
Lastly, don’t neglect the basics. Regular check-ups with your doctor, lab work, and dental visits are essential. You only get one body, and it’s your responsibility to take care of it. Health is the foundation that supports every other aspect of your life—without it, nothing else matters.
5. Finances: Master the Basics and Plan for the Future
As men, we often feel the weight of financial responsibility on our shoulders. We’re the providers, the ones who are expected to ensure our family’s well-being. But financial security doesn’t happen by accident; it requires intentionality and discipline.
I started by mastering the basics—budgeting, saving, and investing. Baby steps, really, but each one was crucial. Setting aside money for college savings, understanding how to manage a mortgage, and following three simple principles: give, save, and spend wisely.
Investing is another key component. It’s not just about putting money away for retirement; it’s about building a future for your family. Whether it’s through stocks, real estate, or other ventures, make your money work for you.
But finances aren’t just about numbers. They’re about mindset, too. Understanding your financial goals and working towards them with intention will give you the freedom to focus on what truly matters in life.
Conclusion:
These five lessons—community, relationships, leadership, health, and finances—are the pillars that have shaped my life as I’ve approached 40. They’re not just abstract concepts; they’re practical, actionable steps that can lead to a more fulfilling life. If I had understood these virtues at 30, I might have saved myself a lot of time and heartache. But it’s never too late to learn, to grow, and to strive for a better version of yourself.
Take these lessons to heart, apply them to your life, and watch as they transform not just who you are, but who you have the potential to become.