Hey Dad, Let's Talk: Overcoming Trauma and Building a Stronger You – Insights from My Chat with Mr. Jay
Aug 14, 2025
Hey there, dad. Yeah, you – the guy grinding through another day, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders while trying to be the rock for your family. I get it. Being a dad isn't just about providing; it's about showing up emotionally, too. But what happens when your own past hurts, stresses, or betrayals start chipping away at that foundation? That's why I sat down with Mr. Jay, a relationship coach who specializes in trauma recovery, for a raw, eye-opening conversation. He's been there – healing from his own childhood wounds, navigating 23 years of marriage, and now helping guys like us break free.
In this blog, I'm breaking down the key takeaways from our talk, speaking straight to you like we're grabbing a coffee. I'll weave in some advice pulled directly from Mr. Jay's wisdom, plus a bit of extra context from reliable sources to give you the full picture. Think of this as your roadmap to feeling less alone, more equipped, and ready to pour into your family from a full cup. Let's dive in.
The Hidden Struggles of Fatherhood: You're Not Alone in Feeling Lonely
Dad, let's start with the elephant in the room: loneliness. You wake up, hustle to provide, juggle work, kids, and maybe a strained marriage, then crash and do it all over again. Mr. Jay nailed it when he said men often isolate themselves because society tells us to "man up" and hide vulnerabilities. But here's the truth – that isolation isn't just in your head. A recent survey from The Ohio State University College of Nursing found that about two-thirds (66%) of parents feel the demands of parenthood are isolating and lonely at least sometimes. And for us dads? Only 48% of men report being satisfied with their friendships, according to the Survey Center on American Life. If you're under 35, it's even tougher – one in four guys in that group struggles with loneliness, per a Gallup poll.
Mr. Jay's advice? Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Reach out, show vulnerability, and remember: selfishness in self-care isn't bad. "If you don't fill your cup, you're pouring from an empty one," he said. That overflow is what your family gets. Start small – join an online support group like the PSI Dad Support Group or Fathering Together's communities. They're spaces where dads like you share without judgment. You've got the burden of supporting the household; don't carry the emotional load alone. Deserve that support – for you and your kids.
Why Self-Care Isn't Selfish: Filling Your Cup to Be a Better Dad
Picture this: You're the Titanic – strong, unbreakable – but if you sink, who do you save? No one. Mr. Jay used that analogy to drive home a point every dad needs to hear: Prioritize your needs, or you'll flounder and can't help anyone. We dads feel the pressure daily, but ignoring self-care leads to burnout. In fact, 62% of parents report feeling burned out by responsibilities.
So, how do you start? Mr. Jay suggests stepping up to resources, even if they're scarcer for men than for moms. Groups like Fatherly or Dadbod exist, but they're underused because we hesitate to show up. Flip the script: Tell yourself, "This is what I deserve, and what my family deserves – the best version of me." Build involvement. Schedule time for a walk, a hobby, or just venting with a buddy. Your wife has her networks; build yours. It's not weakness; it's strength.
Unpacking Your Childhood Trauma: It's More Common Than You Think
Dad, Mr. Jay shared something eye-opening: If you had a "normal" childhood without major scars, you're in the minority. Stats back him up – 63.9% of U.S. adults have experienced at least one Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), like abuse or neglect, according to the CDC. And 17.3% have four or more. These aren't just distant memories; they shape how you parent, relate to your wife, and handle stress today.
Even if your childhood seemed fine, Mr. Jay urges reflection. Maybe your dad worked long hours, and you missed that ball-tossing time – that's a wound. His tool? Write a letter to your younger self with your non-dominant hand. No filters, just raw honesty. Address bullying, neglect, or unmet needs. Put it aside, revisit it, and track growth. This isn't about blaming parents; it's about healing foundations. Women and men experience trauma differently – guys often hear "suck it up," leading to suppressed emotions. Break that cycle: Honor your feelings, like Mr. Jay tells his son, "Be a man and cry if you need to."
Understanding Betrayal Trauma: When Trust Shatters and How to Rebuild
Betrayal trauma hits hard, dad. Mr. Jay's analogy paints it vividly: You're on a burning bridge, holding your kids, trusting your partner to guide you – then they hammer it down. You're falling into chaos, emotionally dead but physically alive. For men, this often comes from infidelity (85% of his clients), job loss after years of loyalty, or even a loved one's suicide.
Men face it uniquely – we're less likely to talk, sucking it up or leaving silently. But stats show betrayal is common; women report more childhood sexual betrayal, but adult betrayals like infidelity affect couples broadly, with one in four experiencing it. If you're in high-stress jobs like firefighting (as I was), burnout can lead to substance abuse or worse. Mr. Jay's advice: Recognize when you're at the end of your rope. Stock your "toolbox" with healthy tools, not numbing ones like porn or booze. Reflect daily: Are my coping mechanisms serving me?
Building Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Ditch the Unhealthy Habits
When life hits, dad, our toolbox often comes up empty for emotional stuff. Mr. Jay warns: Unhealthy coping – drinking, cheating – starts small, like a fly to a light, then traps you. Switch to introspection: What are my needs? Are they met healthily?
If you're in public safety or similar, the cycle of unappreciation, supervisor stress, and family strain is real. Prevent the downward spiral by identifying overwhelm early. Talk to pros if needed – don't go it alone. And remember, that "switch" from calm to chaos? Catch it before it flips.
The Power of Faith in Healing: A Recharge for Your Soul
Dad, if coping fails, turn to something bigger. Mr. Jay and I agree: Faith in God or a higher power is your best resource. Studies show it reduces depression and anxiety through positive coping. People of deep faith report better health overall. Jesus faced temptations and betrayal – tap into that.
If religious trauma holds you back, start small. Watch online services, read pamphlets, or even faith-based shows. I was uncomfortable with worship at first, but the messages ground me. Join a men's group at church; it's a tribe that prods you forward. Baby steps lead to steak – from milk to solid food, as Mr. Jay put it.
Protecting Your Kids from Trauma: Spot It and Stop It Early
As a dad with three under 10, I asked Mr. Jay: How do I prevent passing on wounds? Trauma isn't just events; it's how bodies respond. Constant communication is key: Ask open questions like, "What made you feel unsafe today?" Use the "sandwich technique" at dinner: One good, one not-so-good, one good.
Share age-appropriate stories from your life – show vulnerability. Cry if needed; apologize when you snap. You're raising grandkids too, through what you model. Own mistakes; kids forgive fast and learn accountability.
Strengthening Your Marriage: Quick Wins in 1-2 Months
To improve your relationship fast, Mr. Jay says: Dive into forgiveness. List everyone who's hurt you – start with yourself. Define forgiveness (not just "let go" – describe the process). Apply it, freeing space for your wife and kids. You'll attune better, building capacity for love.
Final Wisdom: Mr. Jay's Diamond Advice
If your kids forget everything but one thing? "Feelings are not facts, and always look at yourself the way the Word tells you to." Dad, you're valued, loved – anchor in that.
Wrapping It Up: Your Next Step, Dad
You've got this, dad. Mr. Jay's insights aren't just talk; they're tools to heal, connect, and lead. Check his site at mrjrelationshipcoach.com for free resources. Join a group, write that letter, hug your kids. If this hit home, share in the comments – what's one step you'll take? Let's build stronger dads together.
WATCH the full interview HERE👇🏻👇🏻